The Smallest Experiences Mean So Much

I look back on the days of chaos when I needed to make more money to buy more things that I thought I needed.  I (faintly) remember when I was a crazy control freak, trying to "get keep it all together" so everything would be perfect. Wow, was I totally way disconnected.


Simplicity has a certain peace to it.  Now, materialistically, I have absolutely nothing.  I have no money, I lost my car, I am downsizing apartments to cut expenses, and I have not had a "normal" job in over 2 years.  But, I am happier than I ever have been in my life.  You never could have told me this years ago when I was making tons of money & had all those nice things.   I could not have understood it.  I live on very little means and would not have it any other way now.


I reflect upon one of my most memorable experiences this last year sitting with a homeless man & giving him my last dollar. Taking him to the hospital because he was sick and had no way, as others walked past him avoiding him like he was the plague. 


I have learned to trust my intuition and higher self that much.  As he walked past the window of the Subway I was sitting in, I immediately got "if he walks past again, go talk to him".  My intellectual self would have said "yeah right".  But my higher self knew more.  It knew that he needed help and that he was no threat.  As Sonia Choquette teaches "Trust Your Vibes" that is exactly what I did.  My vibes said follow your higher self.  My intellect said "RUN".  I even tried to walk away.  I got to the parking lot & stopped behind a column & asked "do I give into my fears or do I trust what I got intuitively and go talk to him"?  So I took a deep breath, told my intellect to take a hike & I walked over to the little patio table he was sitting at outside the little shopping center.  He had his head down on the table & probably thought I was crazy when I asked if I could sit down.  I don't think he knew what to do with me any more than my intellectual self knew what to do with him.  So I withdrew from my intellect & tapped into higher self & just went with whatever came through.


He was really really sick.  He had been vomiting (even while I was there) and trying to drink water.  I am sure years of no healthcare, alcohol abuse & whatever were contributing factors.  I bought him a cup of water & a sandwich (for later) and sat with him and talked.  He needed to go to the hospital.  By car it was over 30  minutes away (the one that would treat indigent/homeless), and he was in no condition to ride a bus for hours until it got him there.  So I loaded him up in my car & off we went.  He asked me "why are you doing this?  Because of God?" In his mind he could not comprehend that someone would do such a thing without a reason.  The owner of Subway came out and tried to "warn" me... "he's homeless"... I said "I know".  He could not comprehend it either.  He had been watching me all afternoon give a couple dollars to homeless people for water while I studied my Metaphysical homework.  He said "I've never seen anyone be so nice to strangers for no reason".  I said "why not?".  He had run them out of his store & I went to help them.  He was so "impressed' that he gave me his business card.  Why? I don't know.  Doesn't matter. 


On the ride to the hospital, we talked a bit.  It was an eye opener for me to see that my little conveniences (a cell phone with GPS to get us there) were foreign to this homeless man.  He had no comprehension of technology.  He told me of his life and previous jobs.  We talked about family and health.  I drove him to the hospital and dropped him off at the emergency entrance.  He was so thankful.  I was thrilled to have not given into my "fears" and intellect that day to avoid another human being/spirit.  I followed my intuition & higher self and it was just another thing that made me learn to trust what I got instead of trying to "heed the warnings of my ego".   That was one of the best days ever.  And it only cost me a few bucks, but what I got in return was so much more than money could ever buy.


Original Post: 12/26/11

Vibrational Awareness

I notice how much my vibrational awareness has changed as I change.  I used to pick up on absolutely everything negative (there is no negative or positive anymore, just energy.)  It is what we make it.  So now I refer to vibrations as high energy or low energy.


I have changed everything in my life.  The reasons for changing in different areas are different reasons, but it all comes together to one understanding.  


I used to be so overwhelmed by low-end energies.  Pain was one of the worst.  Security issues (lower back). Anger. Depression.  Betrayal & deceit. I could tune into these from miles away.  I began picking up on those I was connected to from across the U.S. or even in different countries.  If there was a fight or a major trauma, I could pick up on it.  Sometimes I knew who it was.  If it was a catastrophic event (earthquake, Tsunami, etc.) the energy was different, but I knew it was earth related and huge.  I could zone into their heartache and would just take it away from them if I could.  Not realizing how much detriment I was doing to myself.


I began to understand that the reason I was always around that low-end energy, was because that was what I was attracting.  Until I healed those areas in me, I would continue to do so.  


I have many things to contribute to my growth.  There is not just one thing.  I see how people/things/experiences have come into my life for a reason so that I could learn and grow.  I've had several teachers, did neurofeedback, my empath & intuitive group, Reiki Certification classes... so many things.  They all played a part & I am thankful for every one of them.  Ultimately I had to be ready to embrace the change.  The roller coaster ride that I would embark on was just the beginning, but definitely necessary.


I've been like this my entire life, but I did not understand it.  I thought everyone could read minds as people walked by in the mall.  A past time for me was "reading people" as they passed... totally "normal" in my world.  I had a "dark figure" that sat in the corner of my room night after night.  It had no face, just a figure.  I was so young, it scared me to death.  I would sit, holding my breath, muttering "what do you want".  Or at least I tried to mutter.  I don't know if they were just in my thoughts or the words actually seeped out in silence.  I had an "old man" run across in front of my vehicle one night on the way home & I freaked out.  I thought I hit someone, but there was no jolt & he was "see-thru".  I would not understand my "gifts & differences" until the last few years.  


I shut it down by becoming a work-a-holic, logical thinker, perfectionist.  I do remember everything coming to me "naturally"... knowing the answers and how to do things no one else could comprehend.  My biggest problem was I was in "savior" mode & kept picking up people with the most problems to try to "rescue" them, much to my own detriment, but again necessary for me to grow.


Then around 2007, I had an "experience" that made me realize I could do things most saw as crazy.  I knew events before they happened.  I saw them in my dreams or got a feeling/knowing prior to.  One week, while working for a law firm, my son who was in the Marines and deployed to Iraq had returned stateside to his base.  He was several states away and they "ground" them to base for like 10 days then he would come home to visit with family/friends and take leave.  He had told me he was going to wait to take leave and come home later when things calmed down.  The entire week I kept hearing "he's coming home"... this went on daily... I ignored it.  Then while folding towels I got "my son is here"... a minute later "bang, bang, bang" goes the front door.  I said "open the door, that's my son!".  We opened the door and my son said "surprise!!!!!".  I said "I knew you were coming and here".  "Yeah right mom"... "I didn't tell you so I could surprise you" he said.... little did he know. 


I think the relationship that I was in at that time caused me to open back up.  It was a very traumatic relationship & what he put me through caused me to go back into that mode of experiencing trauma that I had been able to shut out with 1000 walls up to that time.  I also had taken a job with a non-profit, working with the indigent and people in need and it caused me to have to access a side of me that I had shut down.  I actually loved working with people again.  It was very full-filling and rewarding to help those who genuinely needed and appreciated it.  I was working with families during adoptions, babies in the NICU unit, unwed moms trying to keep their kids, people with mental illnesses, battered moms, kids that "cut" and I got to pull from my experiences to help someone else for a change.  


After I escaped that marriage/relationship, I got involved with a few people.... one was an empath & he was strange!  But, he made me come to understand for the first time why I was so different.  I was with him for 2 confusing months.  I kept picking up on all of these emotions that I could not get a grip on.  I felt one way, then would feel another, then get these thoughts and nothing made sense.  I did not suffer from depression, yet I felt depressed.  I "knew" he was using me and kept asking him if he was happy and he would say yes, but I would get no in my head.  Nothing matched up.  Then one day I got in the shower and the flood gates opened.  I cried & cried & when it was over got "he needs to go now".  I got dressed, he came through the door "I have a job interview this afternoon".... "no you don't, you are packing and leaving today".  "What?".  Yep, get your stuff and let's go.  I was moving the next day and only an idiot would kick the 6'3" guy out with the muscles who was supposed to help me move all my heavy furniture, but it was more important that he leave.  I took him & dropped him off to catch a train back to the state he came from & as soon as he got out of my vehicle, the energy lifted and it was like I could breathe again.  It had been him the entire time.  Woah!  Funny, we had the exact same birth month & day.  


I looked for a group to help me deal as I was so overwhelmed, I was truly at the end of my rope.  I was picking up on everyone.  I could not go to the grocery store anymore.  Too many people.  All those thoughts and low-energies.  I couldn't function in daylight anymore, too much crazy chaotic energy... so I reversed my days/nights.  I stayed up all night & went to the store at night and slept during the day.  Only way I could get by.  I found a group and it was like finding my way home.  People who understood me & actually made sense.  This distorted world of psychics, empaths, intuitives, seeing the future, feeling other people.... you name it, it all made sense.  That was the beginning of my whole new world.


I will fast forward to close, and re-visit the "in-between" later if it feels appropriate.  Suffice it to say that my whole world has evolved to a level I never imagined.  It took me a little over a year to crash & burn (literally).  I think I had to hit bottom to get all of that to come to the surface, as I had put up so many walls & buried it so deep that was the only way to access it.  Everyone's journey is different.  


When I speak of anything, I have to have experienced it to understand it. So if I say that we draw negative energies to us, or we seek out to save, or anything... it is not a judgment comment, it is a comment from my own experiences.  I can not even claim to understand or comprehend unless I have been there.  Those things I study and learn from a book, benefit me or compliment my own experiences.  The rest, I could give two hoots about at this current time.  Later, when I need to access that information, I will have it though. 


Two major things in my growth process: Reiki Level I, II, III/Teacher Certification classes.  I took the first "round" to grow.  I kept taking them until I could actually "connect" with Reiki, but this opened me up to the love & energy I needed to let go.  The other was finding the University of Metaphysical Sciences.  The coursework is phenomenal.  It teaches you to look inward and the information gained in their curriculum is first rate.  I highly recommend it to anyone on this path.  I have always hated studying, but I love my coursework and have learned so much on a spiritual level since starting with them.


I have found that people come & go in my life as I grow.  I finally learned that this was not because there was something wrong with me, like I thought for many years.  I had resigned myself to just being alone, as I seemed happier without people in my life.  But, I now understand that everyone & everything serves a purpose... a lesson... they come to teach me & me them, then they go.  I no longer look at a failed relationship (friends/loves/whatever) as a failure, but yet that it has served its purpose for what we were to learn & it is time to move on.  I now look at everything as "what can I learn/teach" and keep going.  Everything is a learning experience.  Learning is 24/7.  It never ends.  :)


In closing, I now operate at such a higher frequency.  I can "detect" those lower vibrations/frequencies, but they no longer own me.  I can feel the vibration in foods, words, thoughts, colors, everything! It is so cool.  I have cut out all meats (gone vegetarian, raw food, organic, etc). and am so so so much healthier and lighter (in spirit & in weight).  I have more to lose, but as I ascend & grow & raise my vibration, respect nature and everything, purify my life, my body, my thoughts.... everything comes into alignment and the weigh drops off.... I no longer say low-energy swear words... I can "feel" the low energy of what they do.... I don't even think them as a rule.  Thoughts really do vibrate at different levels.  Low end thoughts make us feel yucky, whereas high end thoughts make us happy and make us respect ourselves and others.  We don't want to self-sabotage or hurt anymore.  There is no need.  I now respect myself, my body, my spirit.... and they return the favor by providing me with those things I need every moment of every day! Awesome :)


Original Post: 12/25/11

Finally Getting It

I have run across so many (I did this so I can completely understand it) who say "I have been teaching that for years (or all my life)."  Yet, intellectual understanding and actual, higher consciousness understanding are two TOTALLY different things.) They are not even in the same ballpark.


The first time I "got" it was after an "experience" of something I had been teaching for years.  I believe it was on the awakening process.  I had studied and learned and taught those things I had learned to help others in their journey.  Then I went through my actual awakening.  I still didn't even get it.  It wasn't until months later that "boom", that 12x12 (I need something bigger than the virtual 2x4 much of the time) hit me upside the head and "I got it".  I had been teaching and never actually understood it on "that level".  Intellectually I understood, but on a spiritual level, I had no comprehension what-so-ever.


Now that I "got it", I could actually connect on a whole new level to help others (and myself).  I no longer needed to go to my intellect.  I finally had come to "trust" the intuitive information that I was now able to receive, just by letting go of my need to be in control all of the time.  I found that I was not able to connect to my higher consciousness as long as I needed to stay connected to my intellect/ego.  Once I let go of that, I could remove myself energetically and connect to my higher consciousness.  There, there is no "need" to understand, as it is just "understood".  There is no guessing or questioning, there is just "knowing".  There is total peace.  There is no pain, no hate, no low-end energy at all.  It was that guilt, shame, blame, fear that kept me from connecting until then.  Once I let go of those low-end feelings & reactions, I was able to access the higher end energies that bring complete perfection.  


I listen with my eyes closed much of the time.  I "feel" the information that I need to access.  When someone is talking, I don't need to look at them, as all of what I need to connect with to comprehend is on a whole different level.  My intellectual understanding and my higher self understanding are complete opposites.  There is no "who, what, when, where, why" anymore... who doesn't matter, what doesn't matter, when doesn't matter, where doesn't matter, and most importantly why doesn't matter.  Everything just is.... and "is" is perfectly enough.


We are raised, taught & educated to "look outside" for the answers.  Learn about others, worry about others, it's all about "out there".  So many need to impress, "things" materialistic become important over time.  Until things override the purity of simplicity.  This is not about things. This is not about anyone else.  This is not about who cares about who did what one day, or who owns what or what kind of clothes we wear or how our hair looks that day.  This is the total opposite.  


When I started getting rid of everything that I had coveted in all my years and that others would see as important, I think people started to wonder if I was still sane.  I kept getting comments of how they could not believe I was getting rid of something so nice, so materialistic.  But on this level, things don't matter.  They actually become hindrances.  They become obstacles.  They weigh us down and get in the way.  


Foods went, things went and I began to re-prioritize everything.  The well-being of people, the environment, animals, plants matter now.  A breeze or the sun now brings a smile to my face, whereas I used to hide from the outside energy.  Watching birds fly.  Watching people interact.  Helping someone else in need.  The smallest things now make a moment perfect.  Other than physical world needs, life is so much simpler.  


Majority of the time, I can see through the "crap" that is projected by others.  That used to bother me.  I used to look at someone and see "all their stuff".  See that fakeness, the fronting. It used to bother me that so many people were not genuine.  Now, I use that to delve deep to see what that person truly needs so that I can help them (when they want help).  Sometimes they are not ready, and I have to step back and let them fall.  This used to be impossible for me to do.  I had to save them.  Now I understand why and I can do this because it is what THEY need on their journey.  Mine is not to save them anymore.  It is to give them the tools that I have learned in order to grow when the time is right for them.  Some never use them.  I had to learn that their "failure" to grow was not my failure to teach.  I can give it and it is up to them to do with what they desire.  I can't control another.  I can only control myself & my actions, and if I really want to look at it on another level, I have no control at all.  The more we try to control, the less control we actually have.  I don't need control, as I have everything I need when I go to "that place".  I now use that energy to do the best for the greater good of all at all times.    I now connect on a higher level and ask/see what I am to do.  I trust that and do my best to stay true to my own moral values and integrity. 


Original Post: 12/25/11

Procrastinating

Lately I hear virtually everyone say "January 1st" or "next year" I am going to start this... diet, new job stuff, family stuff, exercise, being healthier, doing good deeds... whatever... and I say "Why wait"?  What are you waiting for? What's stopping you now?  If you TRULY want to do this "thing", why are you putting it off until later?


Simple, you don't really want to.  Procrastination is a way to feed into the fear of accomplishing something we may "wish" to do, but have no intention of doing.  

"I will put it off until then, as I REALLY don't want to attempt to accomplish that."  It's too much trouble, or I don't think I can succeed.... with that thought process, we don't succeed... it is too much trouble.  It's an inconvenience.  Then that time comes to "do that dreaded thing" and we "try".... trying is just a word for saying "I can't".... I "intended to, but it JUST didn't work out".  Welp, next year maybe.... some other time... then we find ourselves back in that "circle" of starting ALL over again... with that dreaded thing we didn't really want to do to start with.


Try this.  Figure out WHY you don't want to do whatever it is that you don't really want to do.  THAT is what you should work on!  Work on the "why"... is it fear of failure?  Is it "too hard"? Then why?  The fear of something is actually greater than the actual "thing" we dread.  We create our fears of "what if" or "I can't because .... (you finish the sentence)".  This will give you better insight as to "why" you keep putting that thing off and help you face that "thing" to move past it.  


Don't wait... do it!  Everyday is an opportunity to do that new thing we put off before.  Everyday is a day to succeed and put a "dreaded" thing behind us... because once we do, it becomes a tiny thing of the past that really doesn't matter anymore.


Original Post: 12/25/11

OLD Reflections of Distorted Perceptions ~ Now a Place of Peace

As a small child growing up, it was drilled, beaten, slapped & repeated continuously "you have to be perfect to be good enough, to be loved". Everything that I did had to meet a standard, had to please, had to be "perfect".  Otherwise the repercussions were unthinkable.  I would not be good enough and I'd be punished, physically, emotionally, sexually... I was unwanted to start with, so I fought to please, to be accepted, to be good enough, to be perfect.


Then I got older, and I no longer needed others to tell me I needed to be perfect. I self-imposed it upon myself, others, everything.  I looked at existence itself through distorted glasses of "perfection".  "Nope" not good enough.  Let's wait until it is.  I could not complete "that' as it was not perfect.  But who would punish me now?  By who's standards was perfection now?  Long gone were those who beat it into me ... I now took it upon myself to do that.  I didn't need them anymore.  I had acquired the perfect person to impose punishment upon me... ME!  Wow, what an accomplishment to be proud of!


So how do we punish ourselves for not being perfect? Oh, we have wonderful imaginations that can accomplish creating new & inventive ways to do that!  I managed to be the most creative and successful much of the time.  


Not good enough? Oh, carbs & chocolate will make me feel better. I literally "fed" the "hole" inside. Having a bad day?  Oh, yes, lets go shopping to feel better.  Need to save someone from their self? Oh I was a perfectionist at continuing to try to do that one!  But oh, if they would just listen to ME!  Not working, lets try alcohol or drugs.  Those tend to bury it deep so I can't feel it.  Physical pain... lets go to the doctor and get some meds for that.  


I didn't realize how destructive I was being to myself.  Others told me, but nooooo I wouldn't do that. I thought way too much of myself.  And even if I did have a "moment", I was absolutely safe in my dysfunctional world (or so I thought).  


I had such severe physical problems and technically, mental problems (anxiety is playing to the fears we create/listen to in our head).  My anxiety had gotten so bad that I was agoraphobic and couldn't open the blinds or leave the apartment more than an hour or two a month for "emergencies".  I "hid" in my little, safe world.


Then started the spiral.  I had created utter chaos in my mind & in my life. The abusee became the abuser, but the person I was abusing the most was me.  Others suffered because of my self-sabotaging ways and for that I owe them all a huge apology.  I now take responsibility for my actions.  Did it need to happen? Presumably it did, because everything happens for a reason.  It's not up to me to determine why anymore.  Just to accept and grow.


I used to need "noise" all the time, as the "monkey brain" drove me crazy... the thoughts running rampant & would not slow down.  I could not sleep, concentrate, think, as the "thoughts" went a million miles a minute.  So many things to do, so many things to accomplish, oh my... just be quiet for a minute and give me some peace.... but now... those negative, destructive thoughts are gone and I don't need the TV or the radio or anything going to "drown" them out.  Now I am at peace.  Silence is perfection.  I actually crave and appreciate the silence and am  content with the positive thoughts that "flow" through... not run through... I can sleep at night without any drugs to make me comatose... I can just be happy and just "be".  That alone in itself is perfection. 


I have created "a process of rules" for myself.  I call this my "Steps" (to whatever works a that time). With every challenge or "issue" that arises, this is now one of my mottos:

• Recognize it
• Acknowledge it
• Understand it
• Deal with it
• Own it
• Forgive it
• Love it
• Let it go

Done.  Once gone, don't keep revisiting it, or we didn't actually do these things and we chose to hang on to "it" instead.  Let it go.  It's gone &  done.


Forgiveness:  The need to even comprehend that we need to forgive means we blame someone for something for what we perceive as being "bad" done to us or others.  If there is no blame, there is nothing to forgive.  Blame creates a victim mentality.  I have no reason to blame another otherwise I am not taking responsibility and working through it.  I am staying in that "safe" comfortable place of remaining a victim and ultimately those we blame still have power.  Take your power back, take responsibility and let it go.  


I have "suffered" the most unthinkable acts in this physical world.  Many done by others, many done by me.  It is through those experiences I can come to understand, to have compassion and to teach others with the same experiences now needing to move past and let go.  Without those experiences I would have no understanding what-so-ever of how to help another heal.  This is my gift and now I understand why I chose those unthinkable experiences for me.  No longer do I blame or hold onto anger.  No longer am I a victim to that trauma.  I embrace all things that are and use them to help another.  


My gift to another and first and foremost to self; The gift of healing on the most important level needed to accomplish the act of unconditional love and forgiveness.  The gift of self.


So every moment of every day, I now FEEL and experience total happiness and contentment.  I no longer "think" like the normal person.  I recognize the "mind" that creates doubt, fear, mistrust, anger, pain, blame.  I have learned to "quiet" the mind and now listen to my heart, myself, my intuition, my higher self.  I have learned to "trust" in self as never before.  It was the distrust that kept me in that "place" of fear of whatever.  Fear of not good enough, not succeeding, being hurt, betrayed, pain.... Everything is perception.    


I understand that perfection is set by "MY standard" and that now I see the perfection in everyone & everything JUST AS IT IS.  I no longer need to "feed" the pain, as the pain is gone.  I now enjoy the pleasure of complete and utter bliss on most days.  (Yes we all have not so perfect days, but how I handle those now is completely different too!)  I now appreciate myself and perfection "as I am", as "as I am" is complete perfection as is.  


Now I can help another when they truly want to be helped.  I can give them the tools, but it is no longer my "job" to save, as that is my "need to feed" my ego.  I cannot take their experience away from them.  All I can do is help them recognize it and use the tools to learn to love, forgive and let it go to be the perfection that they already are.


We create our reality.  We choose to remain a prisoner or to let it go.  We choose to forgive or to love.  We choose.  


Give yourself the gift of forgiveness, love & letting go.  Don't hold on to anger, hate, blame, shame, fear or guilt.  We fight against others controlling us, but who ultimately has the control when we can't forgive and remain a prisoner to those thoughts and judgements imposed upon us?  Honor yourself & see the perfection in imperfection and that you are perfectly perfect exactly as you are!  


Namaste'


Original post: 12/24/11

Unconditional Giving

3:33 p.m. as I start to write.  :)

As we ascend on this path of enlightenment, those things we found important before begin to change.  "Things" don't tend to matter anymore.  They just aren't important.  Some things may be necessary to function, but they are not as "important" as the value we place on them.

I watch people running around buying Christmas presents, spending money on "things" for gifts, while their necessities take a back seat.  The importance becomes about giving a "gift"..... but why?  What is the purpose in "that" gift?  And at what cost was it given?

I look at the "gifts" themselves and see a whole new side of "gift giving".  Many buy with the intention of impressing or out of guilt or pressure.  Others give because it makes them "feel good" when the other person opens that gift, is happy or says "thank you"... but look a bit closer.  Who felt good by that exchange?  The one who was doing the giving "needed" to receive thanks for the gift they gave.  That just seems a bit backwards.  

How many people actually give a gift because they wanted to truly help another and walk away. How many just give anonymously, without expectation of anything in return? (Especially thanks). How many people say "I wonder what would make this person happiest" and give that.  Usually an "emotion" is what the other desires most.  Love, compassion, a friend, companionship... so many different things.  And those things don't cost physical money... but they cost of us, as we have to dig deep down inside to find that thing they need or would like most and then must take from ourselves to give.  We must access a place that makes us uncomfortable, and it is way easier to spend money we don't have to give something materialistic to make them happy for that moment.... and release us from giving too much of ourselves.

Think of a person in your life and what would they benefit from the most that is not a materialistic "thing"?  What do you have that you can give.  If you want to know how to touch their heart & make a lasting impression... give something that actually matters.  A piece of you.  The reward goes both ways.

Original Post: 12/23/11

My Awakening Began...

I "stepped" into my world of awakening 11 months ago. I remember exactly (although I did not realize "what" it was until later), because it was so dramatic.  I went from total self-destructive, strong-victim, self-punishing behavior to total knowing & understanding in one weekend.  Granted it was a compilation of many experiences that got me there, but it so happened it was the weekend of my completion of Master/Teacher Level  Reiki Certification class, with a day of a spiritual-based group doing Aura Photography. This is what I would later come to understand as an additional phase to my awakening process. The "first" obvious awakening started in early 2009. I am sure I will "understand" later the "other" phases of "remembering". 

My crown chakra was blown wide open, my heart was wide open, and I was in what I called "psychic overload".  Physically I was in excruciating pain as my body adjusted to my kundalini awakening/rising.  I remember a new "friend/healer" put her hands on my lower back & I felt it just "explode" and move up my spine & was amazed... as I had not told her anything... she "felt" it.  Unaware, I chalked it up to another "weird" experience.  I had begun my mind/body/soul purging & purification process.  This would change everything and start me on a whole new path. 

All of a sudden I was gagging at the smell of alcohol and cigarettes (I had been unable to quit either and they "owned' me). Now, the smell turned my stomach.  All of my physical manifestations/issues, along with my emotional ones began to also purge and clear as I learned to cleanse and clear.  It was not an obsession, it was now a way of being.  

I stopped with foul language, as I could "feel the low vibrations" every time I uttered a "negative" word.  I began to "feel" the vibrations of my emotions, now being able to tell the difference of what I had been drawing to me in the past.  I understood why I kept repeating experiences and released myself from fear.  I no longer doubted myself, as I had this new sense of all-knowing that caused me to stop looking outward for answers any longer.  Every time I needed to know something, all I had to do was "ask the question" and I got the answer.  But it was up to me to set my ego aside in order to be able to listen and trust.  

There was no longer a "me" or "I".  I could now feel that being of one universal consciousness.  It was absolute perfection as it was.  

Consciously now, all I have to do is remove myself from my ego, my intellect, myself and go to that place of trust & understanding and I have access to it anytime.  Now to find balance and to integrate this into my logical world!  

Learning that I had no control, releasing myself from the need to control, my safety-net, and trusting, gave me total peace and calmness.  The more I "tried' to control or thought that I even COULD, took me to that place of separation.  Letting go of control meant embracing my fears and that was impossible up to that point.

There are no words to describe these experiences.  I can try, but that is all. One has to experience to have any understanding what-so-ever.  It's like teaching from a book or years of studying... I can teach it on an intellectual level, but I can never actually comprehend it until I experience it myself. 

I learned the beauty of silence.  Until then I had severe "monkey brain" and talked to "prove my point".  Now, I could not care less if someone "heard me" as it was no longer about me.  I no longer needed to "save" the world.  I understood that is was not my right to take someone else's experiences away from them.  They are there for a reason.  I can be a friend, a teacher and not take it personal.  Everything one is experiences or reacts to is all about them.  Mine are about me and no one else.  My anger is mine.  My pain is mine.  No one else can cause it.  I choose it.  

I also put down medications.  And there were many.  I began to realize everything toxic.  People, things, situations and I began to purge them all one-by-one.  I did not do this out of anger or hurt.  I did it with love for my soul and because it was time for me to do this.  We can love someone or something but also realize it does not have a place any longer in our energetic field.  

I finally understood that people & things come to us & us to them in order to serve a purpose, teach/learn a lesson, then move on.  For so long I viewed things not working out the way I "expected" as a failure.  I now realized that there were no failures, as everything happens exactly as it is supposed to.  I learned to gain from every experience, regardless of the experience.  I learned not to have "expectations" per se', as in doing so created the disappointment or betrayal I kept experiencing over and over again.  I learned to give without expectation, without condition.  This was the true meaning of unconditional love.  I had said the words so many times in my teachings, but never "got it" until I could "do it".  It's harder than it sounds until we "get it".  Now, if I receive something back that is positive or helps me, then that is a wonderful gift, but I don't give what I can't give freely anymore without expectation of anything in return.  If I give it is is not mine anymore. :)  It is not a test or measure of friendship, trust or love.  If it is, it is not unconditional.

Once I connected to this realm of higher self, with angels & guides and universal truth.... nothing would ever be the same again.  I understood those things that others needed an explanation.  There is no "why".  It just is.  I now understood love, acceptance, forgiveness... that there is no blame, shame, fault or guilt.... it just is.  Everything is perfectly perfect as it is.  

There is no "I" anymore.  "I" became a part of one universal consciousness.  I had transcended.

There are no words to explain it in this "physical world".  It is an experience.  It is a union.  There is no separation.  It is perfection, bliss, all encompassing love.  When I need to "connect" I don't think.  I feel.  When I try to think, I create the separation.  I cannot exist in my head and my heart at the same time. 

I feel.  I know.  I let go and just be.  I am. 

Who am I?  There is no "I".  We are just the energy of one that exists with no limits or time.  

Original post: 12/6/11