Wow, it seems like years since I posted, and it's only been like 3 weeks. Yay, I am back! :)
It's amazing how living in the physical interferes with our ability to connect when we "shift" to that left brain mentality to function. It's also amazing at how many "issues" come back along with that.
The last several weeks I picked up more website clients and boxed the apartment for a major move. Knowing this was part of my journey, I embraced it (mostly, lol) whereas in the past I fought it.
First the move: My entire life I have been the provider, the sole-supporter, not needing or wanting to depend on anyone. I KNEW I would not let me down like everyone had in my life (I know better now, but that was how it was viewed in the past). Then I got laid off (been working 24/7 since I was 13) and life took a whole new route. At the time I could not see the blessing in losing my financial stability. I started my crash-and-burn phase. But it took crashing and burning for me to realize that money didn't matter, things didn't matter (actually they hold us back), and it brought all of my insecurities and issues to the forefront. I had SO many of them, they owned me for awhile. But it took going through that to come out on the other side. It took knocking me on my independent butt to teach me to let go of my need for independence and all of those walls of strength that "protected" me. Being vulnerable didn't mean weak. It actually took strength to be vulnerable and not a victim. Moving meant depending on someone else. Wow, was that virtually impossible for the longest. But I did let go. I even fought letting go until I stopped to ask myself "what was I holding onto"? The fasad of stability, my apartment, my security. Things don't matter, and moving meant change. As physical beings, (especially control freaks) we don't do change well. But then I let go. And it was SO freeing. Wow, too bad I didn't do this years ago! :)
Dealing with the "stress" of organizing and being left brain/right brain to design websites, so took me out of the "connection loop" and I didn't realize how much I loved being connected until I couldn't. I stayed in the mode to get everything done on deadline (boy how I have changed from the meet-every-deadline control freak) by just going with the flow). I sooo prefer just going with the flow, but necessity didn't allow this during that time. So I started out my day with the "message" meant for me, and the day of the move was "patience". Through all "remember patience". Ok, no problem. Yeah right, easier said than done. I tried, tried, tried... but as the glass and fragiles were to be moved, my freak-out side kept trying to rear it's ugly head. The higher level me knew that if they got broke, so what... who cares... it's just stuff.... but the physical mind was freaking out. Then I wanted to get angry because someone didn't respect my stuff and were not as careful, I had to stop myself to say "what was I angry at?" If I really thought about it, the person meant so much more than the stuff, so why was I getting angry at the person over the stuff? That helped put things in perspective. Was it easy? No. Did I get upset and go into control freak mode during the move. Yep. Did I do better in the past. Definitely. Was I perfect? Nope, but the experience was exactly perfect because I learned from it. :) Did I make it through? Definitely!
Website Design Clients: I have struggled over the last few years trying to get my foot through the door and finally realized that as long as I stay true to honor and integrity and self, treat others with respect, change the way I deal with challenging situations and do the very best I can to help another (as it really doesn't cost me anything, does it?) then those who are meant to come will. When it is time, it will be. So again, I let go of those challenging situations of the past that kept me "stuck" and low-and-behold LITERALLY the same day I got two new clients. Little did I see that the resistance to step away from a "safe" yet challenging situation that I knew I needed to step away from, until I did that, the door would not open for the new things to come my way. Again, my own resistance was my block. So now, as long as my basic needs are met (roof over my head, minimal groceries, health needs), then I will continue to do from my heart to help others and in return I will be treated with the same respect and honor that I live my life by. :) Now, sometimes I have to say no, because it is their journey or path to learn something on their own, and them becoming dependent on me does not help them, BUT when it does not create an unhealthy dependence and it helps another, what do I care if I share a gift or knowledge that I have to help another? If more gave freely and without an expectation of return, this would be a much happier place. :)
Regardless of how I spend my days, I can choose to enjoy them or dread them. I so choose to enjoy every experience, regardless of what it is. As there is always a reason and a lesson. I choose how I view things. Re-programming my thoughts from the low end thoughts that I was so used to was part of my journey. I had carried on the thought processes that I was raised with. It was time to change that. Those thoughts were someone else's. Those standards of perfection and failure were now standards I imposed on myself. Those behaviors were ones I created. I choose what I create. I choose to accept everything as exactly perfect. Failure is only something never attempted or tried, as the outcome is exactly as it is supposed to be. Expectation breeds disappointment (or pleasure), but we tend to focus on the disappointments/failures... until we realize all of those expectations, failures, punishments, etc are self-imposed. The person who put it in our head to start with, no longer is in control unless we remain submissive to those thoughts. Freeing self from low-end though processes and forgiving others and self frees us from the control that we so try to escape from to start with. Hmmmm. :)
Original Post: 1/26/12
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