Balance

I used to have the hardest time with balance (both physically & otherwise.).  I went from the extreme OCD/analytial work-a-holic to unemployed and "lost".  For the first time since I was 13 years old I had to face myself.  Woah!!! 

I didn't realize that being a work-a-holic was an addiction in itself (uh duhhhh "a-holic" wasn't hint enough!), then to start changing addictions when I got laid off.  I didn't realize that all was a gift in itself.  Granted, I had to go through every "a-holic" extreme, and bottom out before "I got it", but I see now why I had to do so.  It was part of my growth experience. 

I went from an entire life of self-sabotage to my kundalini awakening literally overnight.  It would take me months to look back and understand that is what was happened.  I just knew that all of a sudden everything was different.  All of that pain, self-punishment started to lift.  I no longer needed to suffer or make other suffer.  I started to take responsibility and treat others differently.  I stopped being a victim.  It would take me many more months of growth to "learn" at an expedited speed things I could not comprehend before.  I was learning on a whole new conscious level.  I understood things on a whole that I could not even contemplate grasping a piece of before.  It was like being up in the clouds looking down and just knowing.  Everything was simplified.  I no longer needed to know why anymore because I just "knew".  But, I could not embrace my intellect and be in this place.  I had to step outside myself and connect on a totally different level.  On this level, everything was perfect.  This would open my eyes & my world to everything new.

This new "place" was addictive.  There was no pain, no hate, no betrayal, no fear.  Everything just was.  Just being was enough.  But how to function on this level and live in the physical world at the same time.  I couldn't stay here forever (or could I?) lol  So started my journey of "existing" in both places at the same time.  It would take some time, but it is possible.  I do have to "shut it down" to an extent to operate in a "normal" physical world.  For those who know me, they know that if they are talking that I shut my eyes & tune to a higher level and listen with my 3rd eye.  I feel the conversation.  It helps me shut down my intellect so that it doesn't interfere. I can make better decisions when I operate this way.  I "know" things that my intellect can't even begin to understand.  I operate completely from a place of purity, integrity & respect on this level.  I am neutral in my responses and it is not about me or the person involved when I operate on this level.  It is about what is true.  Honesty, integrity, respect and what is right is the same regardless of who is involved.  If I operate from a place of purity & integrity then I serve a higher good at all times.  Removing impurities from my life (mind/body/soul) has allowed me the honor of connecting with a pure consciousness that is true to what is good in everyone/everything. 

Before, I didn't understand it.  I am calm and at peace at all times in this state.  I no longer have the need to defend anything or argue, as the intellect needs to prove a point.  The higher self knows  & just steps back and let those intellectually needing control to have it.  It is not important.  Big change from the old me that needed to win an argument or prove my point or be right. Nothing overwhelms me, because there is no "me" anymore there.  It is about so much more.  I have come to experience "balance" now in my everyday life.  I can access my logic when I need to & shut it down when it doesn't serve a purpose.  I can access "that place", that connection, as long as I stay out of the way.  So I "choose" to make the conscious choice to operate primarily intuitively now.  Intellect is not necessary when I have access to "all-knowing".  Intellect is actually lower-level understanding of what I have access to, as long as I stay pure at heart, and in body & mind also. 

Every day I continue to grow & learn & I embrace every second of it.  I can disconnect at any time, especially if I allow my intellect to interfere or I give into lower-energies around me or low-end thoughts in my head.  Now I have a choice, because I have allowed myself to grow in a positive way.  I choose to let go of control.  For the New Year, let go of control & expectations.  Just let go & be. 

Original Post: 12/29/11