Then I got older, and I no longer needed others to tell me I needed to be perfect. I self-imposed it upon myself, others, everything. I looked at existence itself through distorted glasses of "perfection". "Nope" not good enough. Let's wait until it is. I could not complete "that' as it was not perfect. But who would punish me now? By who's standards was perfection now? Long gone were those who beat it into me ... I now took it upon myself to do that. I didn't need them anymore. I had acquired the perfect person to impose punishment upon me... ME! Wow, what an accomplishment to be proud of!
So how do we punish ourselves for not being perfect? Oh, we have wonderful imaginations that can accomplish creating new & inventive ways to do that! I managed to be the most creative and successful much of the time.
Not good enough? Oh, carbs & chocolate will make me feel better. I literally "fed" the "hole" inside. Having a bad day? Oh, yes, lets go shopping to feel better. Need to save someone from their self? Oh I was a perfectionist at continuing to try to do that one! But oh, if they would just listen to ME! Not working, lets try alcohol or drugs. Those tend to bury it deep so I can't feel it. Physical pain... lets go to the doctor and get some meds for that.
I didn't realize how destructive I was being to myself. Others told me, but nooooo I wouldn't do that. I thought way too much of myself. And even if I did have a "moment", I was absolutely safe in my dysfunctional world (or so I thought).
I had such severe physical problems and technically, mental problems (anxiety is playing to the fears we create/listen to in our head). My anxiety had gotten so bad that I was agoraphobic and couldn't open the blinds or leave the apartment more than an hour or two a month for "emergencies". I "hid" in my little, safe world.
Then started the spiral. I had created utter chaos in my mind & in my life. The abusee became the abuser, but the person I was abusing the most was me. Others suffered because of my self-sabotaging ways and for that I owe them all a huge apology. I now take responsibility for my actions. Did it need to happen? Presumably it did, because everything happens for a reason. It's not up to me to determine why anymore. Just to accept and grow.
I used to need "noise" all the time, as the "monkey brain" drove me crazy... the thoughts running rampant & would not slow down. I could not sleep, concentrate, think, as the "thoughts" went a million miles a minute. So many things to do, so many things to accomplish, oh my... just be quiet for a minute and give me some peace.... but now... those negative, destructive thoughts are gone and I don't need the TV or the radio or anything going to "drown" them out. Now I am at peace. Silence is perfection. I actually crave and appreciate the silence and am content with the positive thoughts that "flow" through... not run through... I can sleep at night without any drugs to make me comatose... I can just be happy and just "be". That alone in itself is perfection.
I have created "a process of rules" for myself. I call this my "Steps" (to whatever works a that time). With every challenge or "issue" that arises, this is now one of my mottos:
- Recognize it
- Acknowledge it
- Understand it
- Deal with it
- Own it
- Forgive it
- Love it
- Let it go
Done. Once gone, don't keep revisiting it, or we didn't actually do these things and we chose to hang on to "it" instead. Let it go. It's gone & done.
Forgiveness: The need to even comprehend that we need to forgive means we blame someone for something for what we perceive as being "bad" done to us or others. If there is no blame, there is nothing to forgive. Blame creates a victim mentality. I have no reason to blame another otherwise I am not taking responsibility and working through it. I am staying in that "safe" comfortable place of remaining a victim and ultimately those we blame still have power. Take your power back, take responsibility and let it go.
I have "suffered" the most unthinkable acts in this physical world. Many done by others, many done by me. It is through those experiences I can come to understand, to have compassion and to teach others with the same experiences now needing to move past and let go. Without those experiences I would have no understanding what-so-ever of how to help another heal. This is my gift and now I understand why I chose those unthinkable experiences for me. No longer do I blame or hold onto anger. No longer am I a victim to that trauma. I embrace all things that are and use them to help another.
My gift to another and first and foremost to self; The gift of healing on the most important level needed to accomplish the act of unconditional love and forgiveness. The gift of self.
So every moment of every day, I now FEEL and experience total happiness and contentment. I no longer "think" like the normal person. I recognize the "mind" that creates doubt, fear, mistrust, anger, pain, blame. I have learned to "quiet" the mind and now listen to my heart, myself, my intuition, my higher self. I have learned to "trust" in self as never before. It was the distrust that kept me in that "place" of fear of whatever. Fear of not good enough, not succeeding, being hurt, betrayed, pain.... Everything is perception.
I understand that perfection is set by "MY standard" and that now I see the perfection in everyone & everything JUST AS IT IS. I no longer need to "feed" the pain, as the pain is gone. I now enjoy the pleasure of complete and utter bliss on most days. (Yes we all have not so perfect days, but how I handle those now is completely different too!) I now appreciate myself and perfection "as I am", as "as I am" is complete perfection as is.
Now I can help another when they truly want to be helped. I can give them the tools, but it is no longer my "job" to save, as that is my "need to feed" my ego. I cannot take their experience away from them. All I can do is help them recognize it and use the tools to learn to love, forgive and let it go to be the perfection that they already are.
We create our reality. We choose to remain a prisoner or to let it go. We choose to forgive or to love. We choose.
Give yourself the gift of forgiveness, love & letting go. Don't hold on to anger, hate, blame, shame, fear or guilt. We fight against others controlling us, but who ultimately has the control when we can't forgive and remain a prisoner to those thoughts and judgements imposed upon us? Honor yourself & see the perfection in imperfection and that you are perfectly perfect exactly as you are!
Namaste'
Original post: 12/24/11
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