I "stepped" into my world of awakening 11 months ago. I remember exactly (although I did not realize "what" it was until later), because it was so dramatic. I went from total self-destructive, strong-victim, self-punishing behavior to total knowing & understanding in one weekend. Granted it was a compilation of many experiences that got me there, but it so happened it was the weekend of my completion of Master/Teacher Level Reiki Certification class, with a day of a spiritual-based group doing Aura Photography. This is what I would later come to understand as an additional phase to my awakening process. The "first" obvious awakening started in early 2009. I am sure I will "understand" later the "other" phases of "remembering".
My crown chakra was blown wide open, my heart was wide open, and I was in what I called "psychic overload". Physically I was in excruciating pain as my body adjusted to my kundalini awakening/rising. I remember a new "friend/healer" put her hands on my lower back & I felt it just "explode" and move up my spine & was amazed... as I had not told her anything... she "felt" it. Unaware, I chalked it up to another "weird" experience. I had begun my mind/body/soul purging & purification process. This would change everything and start me on a whole new path.
All of a sudden I was gagging at the smell of alcohol and cigarettes (I had been unable to quit either and they "owned' me). Now, the smell turned my stomach. All of my physical manifestations/issues, along with my emotional ones began to also purge and clear as I learned to cleanse and clear. It was not an obsession, it was now a way of being.
I stopped with foul language, as I could "feel the low vibrations" every time I uttered a "negative" word. I began to "feel" the vibrations of my emotions, now being able to tell the difference of what I had been drawing to me in the past. I understood why I kept repeating experiences and released myself from fear. I no longer doubted myself, as I had this new sense of all-knowing that caused me to stop looking outward for answers any longer. Every time I needed to know something, all I had to do was "ask the question" and I got the answer. But it was up to me to set my ego aside in order to be able to listen and trust.
There was no longer a "me" or "I". I could now feel that being of one universal consciousness. It was absolute perfection as it was.
Consciously now, all I have to do is remove myself from my ego, my intellect, myself and go to that place of trust & understanding and I have access to it anytime. Now to find balance and to integrate this into my logical world!
Learning that I had no control, releasing myself from the need to control, my safety-net, and trusting, gave me total peace and calmness. The more I "tried' to control or thought that I even COULD, took me to that place of separation. Letting go of control meant embracing my fears and that was impossible up to that point.
There are no words to describe these experiences. I can try, but that is all. One has to experience to have any understanding what-so-ever. It's like teaching from a book or years of studying... I can teach it on an intellectual level, but I can never actually comprehend it until I experience it myself.
I learned the beauty of silence. Until then I had severe "monkey brain" and talked to "prove my point". Now, I could not care less if someone "heard me" as it was no longer about me. I no longer needed to "save" the world. I understood that is was not my right to take someone else's experiences away from them. They are there for a reason. I can be a friend, a teacher and not take it personal. Everything one is experiences or reacts to is all about them. Mine are about me and no one else. My anger is mine. My pain is mine. No one else can cause it. I choose it.
I also put down medications. And there were many. I began to realize everything toxic. People, things, situations and I began to purge them all one-by-one. I did not do this out of anger or hurt. I did it with love for my soul and because it was time for me to do this. We can love someone or something but also realize it does not have a place any longer in our energetic field.
I finally understood that people & things come to us & us to them in order to serve a purpose, teach/learn a lesson, then move on. For so long I viewed things not working out the way I "expected" as a failure. I now realized that there were no failures, as everything happens exactly as it is supposed to. I learned to gain from every experience, regardless of the experience. I learned not to have "expectations" per se', as in doing so created the disappointment or betrayal I kept experiencing over and over again. I learned to give without expectation, without condition. This was the true meaning of unconditional love. I had said the words so many times in my teachings, but never "got it" until I could "do it". It's harder than it sounds until we "get it". Now, if I receive something back that is positive or helps me, then that is a wonderful gift, but I don't give what I can't give freely anymore without expectation of anything in return. If I give it is is not mine anymore. :) It is not a test or measure of friendship, trust or love. If it is, it is not unconditional.
Once I connected to this realm of higher self, with angels & guides and universal truth.... nothing would ever be the same again. I understood those things that others needed an explanation. There is no "why". It just is. I now understood love, acceptance, forgiveness... that there is no blame, shame, fault or guilt.... it just is. Everything is perfectly perfect as it is.
There is no "I" anymore. "I" became a part of one universal consciousness. I had transcended.
There are no words to explain it in this "physical world". It is an experience. It is a union. There is no separation. It is perfection, bliss, all encompassing love. When I need to "connect" I don't think. I feel. When I try to think, I create the separation. I cannot exist in my head and my heart at the same time.
I feel. I know. I let go and just be. I am.
Who am I? There is no "I". We are just the energy of one that exists with no limits or time.
Original post: 12/6/11
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